So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
