I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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