he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
