Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just threw up on my dentist
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
