All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
