I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
