my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
