we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just pee around me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
