I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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