I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
