My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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