Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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