man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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