He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
