at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
