I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
