I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
