So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Couch. On fire.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
