oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
