Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
