i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just found a bag of teeth...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
