It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
