burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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