I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
