matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
