The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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