Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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