i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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