if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
