Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
