everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
