He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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