I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
