I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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