Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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