Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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