i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There's a naked man in my car right now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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