I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize