you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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