why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
