my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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