i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So many bounce houses so little time
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
