Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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