i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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