Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
