I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
