Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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