so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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