there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
