Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
