I murdered the dance floor call the cops
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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