Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Soap is not a condiment
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
