After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
