I swear she didn't look like that last week.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize