So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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