Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize