you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I pour the whiskey from now on
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
