I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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