i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
