the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
